Seriously, y’all, she is. I don’t know how else you explain what happened this morning. See, Mom visits once a month, and being the Best Mother Ever she usually even vacuums for me, because she knows how much I hate to vacuum. Sweeping I am on board with, not so much the vacuuming. Anyway, Mom has previously raved about how easy the vacuuming is on my laminate floors. Why, she says, you just set the vacuum down and watch the dirt run to it, practically. Easy-peasy. So easy, the dogs could learn to do it (although they never have, the bastards).
Anyhow this morning I went into Aida & Braxton’s room to feed them and noticed a thick layer of cat litter on the floor, doubtless deposited because Braxton is a digger. The electrolux vacuum cleaner was right there, so I thought “I will take my mother’s advice and just suck it up real quick, for she is the Best Mother Ever and would not lead me astray!”
Clearly I was momentarily forgetting her weird obsession with plucking my eyebrows, which indicates that even though she is the Best Mother Ever, she thinks it is hilarious to make me scream. I chalk this up to revenge for all those interrupted nights of sleep when I was an infant, and possibly the time I told my preschool class how babies were made after she expressly told me not to share that information. In my defense, it was exactly the sort of thing I thought my friends would find fascinating.
But I digress. I grabbed the vacuum, plugged it in, turned it on, and drove it expertly into the first pile of cat litter, which is when I discovered that MY MOTHER LIED TO ME. The vacuum cleaner does not magically suck up the cat litter. It grabs it with its brush and flings it behind it in a hail of tiny, excruciatingly painful projectiles that if they do not hit your feet embed themselves in the wall. My anguished screams, unfortunately unwitnessed by my mother (who would probably have enjoyed them), scared all the cats and dogs into hiding despite the excitement of breakfast time.
Next time, I’m walking the extra 30 feet to get the broom.