14 June, 2010

I will spare you the suspense: all my limbs are intact.

So this morning there I am, choogling along to work in my CRV, dressed in my cute work clothes: a long linen A-line skirt and a button-down linen shirt with a pink tank top under it. Also, I was wearing adorable shoes. I got down to the little lake and saw what might have been road kill in the middle of my lane, slowed down a little, got closer, and realized it was a snapping turtle.

A freakin snapping turtle, of fairly consequential size. I would estimate its shell at about a foot long, which means that by the time you get done adding in tail and FEARSOME SNAPPING HEAD, it was probably two feet total. Did I mention it was sitting in the middle of my lane? I couldn’t just leave it there, so I got out of the car, grabbing a sweater, and after carefully looking and listening for cars (it was 0535 so there weren’t any) I stepped in front of the turtle and flapped my sweater at it, hoping to herd the sucker safely to the side of the road.

Nope. It stuck out its neck and FEARSOME SNAPPING HEAD and was all “HISSS! I EAT YOUR TOES.” Um. Not the desired reaction. I stomped at it. “I EAT YOUR TOES CRAZY WOMAN.” Sigh.

So I ran around behind the snapping turtle and grabbed it by the tail and lifted it til its front toes barely touched the ground and started dragging it fairly rapidly toward the side of the road. This is not a nice way to move a turtle, incidentally, but I like having ten fingers and ten toes. Except snapping turtles are heavy, and as I got it to the shoulder of the road (I could hear a car coming by now) my arm sagged and it got at least three legs on the ground.

Did you know snapping turtles are WICKED FREAKY FAST about spinning 180 degrees even if you have ahold of the tail? I did not until today. Ahem. I shrieked and jumped backwards, luckily still holding onto the fearsome snapping beast’s tail, which jerked it back around so it was no longer facing me but was now unfortunately between me and the car. Whoops. Tactical error.

Luckily the one car had gone by and I couldn’t hear or see any others, so I darted around the turtle into the road while the turtle made various terrorist threats behind me.

But coming home from work, there was no dead snapping turtle in the road, so I feel safe declaring this one a chelonian wiktory, even if it was a lot more adrenaline than I needed at that hour.

13 June, 2010

The best puppies belong to other people

Yesterday I went down to Blackthorn Kennel to visit my friend C and socialize with other visitors, and also meet the N Litter. At a whopping three days old, they were the most adorable puppyloafs you have ever seen. Tickling them on the sides, chest, or behind the ear will get you a vague reflexive thumping of one back leg, offering them a finger gets a much less vague reflexive suck. They grunt, wail, and cheep at this age, and have adorable little vaguely feline faces with wrinkly muzzles, plus soft baby fur. They’re also just beginning to be mobile, paddling around their whelping box to find the perfect spot, although occasionally flummoxed by the obstacle of Mom’s leg, and her tail invariably produced a confused halt. At this age, they are probably the best-behaved they will ever be and boy, you should see their rock-solid down-stays (although they don’t maintain a head-up sphynx posture, preferring to do their down-stays on their sides, so I guess it doubles as “play dead”).

I also got to snuggle with Macha, and offer Xita some chicken jerky (I never go to Blackthorn without bribes) which is how I discovered that even though she is looking pregnant, Xita knows how to sit up and beg, which was totally adorable. She’s a level-headed love of a dog, really.

After puppy-snuggling and dog-bribing we all headed out for a movie and then followed it up with some excellent Thai food. I crawled home at 2100 and got a stern lecture from the Usual Suspects, discovered Jeremiah Swakhammer had buried himself in protest at his new surroundings, and then got yelled at by Noodlehead on top of it all. This morning Emmaline came up and explained to me that she hadn’t gotten dinner last night because I wasn’t here, and would need extra wet food. Clearly I am expected to never leave the house.

P.S. C did take puppy pics. I will post a link when she has them up!

ETA: Get your dose of puppy right here, y’all.

12 June, 2010

This is the kind of thing that only happens to me.

My Mom is buying me a new side door, so this morning a gentleman came out to measure for it. And lo, he was a very nice man, and we were chatting while he measured and Tink was out there with us and as it turns out the door-measuring gentleman also likes animals, and moves turtles out of the road. In fact, he said, he had one in the car because he’d stopped for it and hadn’t been able to move it because of traffic, and could he release it here?

Oh dear. The problem is that Eastern Box Turtles have a home range, and if you take them out of it, they will try to get back and most likely die on the way if they are four inches long and adorable. Even a healthy full-size adult box turtle will probably die if it’s been moved more than a quarter mile from home. There’s a group in, I believe, Pennsylvania that relocates them to a nature preserve, but they do it by installing GPS tracking devices on the turtles and making sure they stay where they’re supposed to and find the food and hibernation spots. Soooo…. I took the turtle in. I had some gear from poor departed Clover, my Russian Tortoise who was killed by the cats, after which I swore that there would be no more small pets. Circumstances however have conspired to make a liar of me. Obviously I am going to have to get cracking on the outdoor turtle habitat I’ve been talking about making for the past year or so.

And yes, of course I took pictures. The turtle has been christened Jeremiah Swakhammer, after an intrepid and armor-clad character in Cherie Priest’s book Boneshaker. It’s a good book, and also I happen to know that Cherie is fond of turtles and will probably appreciate having this handsome little devil named for her character.

A small Eastern Box Turtle sits, totally boxed up, next to a thick ergonomic keyboard.  The keyboard's bottom edge with no keys is perhaps two-thirds as tall as the turtle's shell, with keys it is very nearly the same height.  From this angle you can see the arch of the front opening, and the turtle's plastron, which is ivory with darker brown markings on the edges of the scutes.

A top view of Jeremiah Swakhammer's shell, which is about 4 inches long.  The shell is a dark, rich brown, with bright gold markings.  The dorsal scutes have gold shapes reminiscent of a curved capital E, the shapes on the lateral scutes are more abstract but vaguely similar.  The peripheral scutes have little flame-like gold markings on them.

Jeremiah Swakhammer, partially unboxed, looks dubiously at the camera.  In fact, his look is fairly indignant.  His eye is a dark brown, and his face and front legs are black with little dots of yellow on them.  His beak and lower jaw are more the ivory color of his plastron.

11 June, 2010

I should be in bed, or: Everything I know about soccerfootball I learned from my fiance.

Way, way back when I first started talking to Daniel and was telling him about the Usual Suspects[1], he made a joke about Rooney I didn’t get, asking if I’d named him after the football player[2]. He then had to explain to me who Wayne Rooney is[3].

So anyway the World Cup of SoccerFootball is going on and oh, hey, the UK and US are playing each other tomorrow but anyhow, there is a sudden explosion of Wayne Rooney merchandise in the marketplace. Spying the licensed replica jerseys with “ROONEY” on the back inspired me to lament that I could not find them in sizes small enough for my adorable Roo, who would really LIKE his own superstar athletic jersey, especially over here where he’s the only Rooney most people know. They’d think he was a famous Manchester United player!

Tonight my attempt to go to bed has been briefly interrupted by a few adrenaline-inspired moments when the dogs swore to me that the Zombie Apocalypse had come. I decided to spend my time waiting for my heart rate to subside poking around to see if I could, in fact, find gear for Roo, and I think I have found it.

Dear Internets: Rooney Lee needs this shirt, y/y? It’s even got the cross of St. George on there, the symbol of Roo’s ancestral homeland (Cornish Rex cats come from Cornwall), and a welcome to his new person when Daniel finally gets over here. If I still like it this much in the morning then screw it, I’m spending $18 on a shirt for my cat.

[1] WHEN SOME OF MY CO-WORKERS FOUND OUT I WAS ENGAGED, THEY ACTUALLY ASKED ME IF DANIEL KNEW ABOUT THE DOGS AND CATS. SERIOUSLY, THEY ASKED ME THIS. I CANNOT SHUT UP ABOUT THEM FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES AND THEY THINK I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET TO KNOW A GUY WELL ENOUGH TO GET ENGAGED WITHOUT ME BRINGING UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS APPROXIMATELY 800 TIMES A DAY? REALLY?

[2] HE IS NAMED AFTER CONFEDERATE CAVALRY GENERAL WILLIAM HENRY FITZHUGH “ROONEY” LEE. WHEN HE IS BEING ESPECIALLY HORRIBLE, I DO IN FACT ADDRESS HIM BY HIS ENTIRE NAME, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY GIVES ROO TIME TO GET AWAY BEFORE I CAN SEEK RETALIATION FOR E.G. HIS TAPDANCING ON MY HEAD ROUTINE.

[3] THE ANSWER IF YOU DON’T WANT TO CLICK TO WIKIPEDIA: SOME GUY WHO IS REALLY GOOD AT KICKING A BALL AROUND, WHO IS ALSO NOT NEARLY AS HANDSOME AND ADORABLE AS MY ROONEY LEE.

Emmaline, bring me your children.

So today after I got home from work I caught up with Emmaline, and scritched and petted until she was relaxed enough to fall over on her side and show me her nipples. I am 98% sure that she is feeding kittens, because per a doctor friend’s description of lactating mammary glands, Emmaline’s boobs are warm and Emmaline herself is ravenous, and per cat people’s descriptions of lactating cats, her nipples are protuberant and also the hair around them is stuck down with what is presumably kitten spit.

This is a family blog, so obviously I am not going to plaster pictures of cat nipples all over it (I don’t even want to think what search terms are going to come up on my “What people searched for to find your blog” box now that I have mentioned cat nipples), but you can go here or here to see Emmaline’s nipples in all their kitten-spitty glory.

Meanwhile, I have had another very serious discussion with Emmaline about the need to bring these kittens up to the house so I can bring the whole little family in and get everyone vetted and look for homes. She purred at me but I don’t think she actually, y’know, listened.

10 June, 2010

Earth, receive an honored guest.

About a year ago I had houseguests: a young spotty yellow and white dog named Dexter (he matched Roo quite well, actually), and an elderly blue-point Siamese cat named Lacey. They belonged to my friend Roz, whose husband is in the Army, he had gotten transferred from Hawaii to the mainland and Dexter and Lacey needed a place to stay while their people found pet-friendly housing. Roz looked high and low but couldn’t find a place to board them that didn’t look shady, so I said “Send ‘em here. I have room.”

And lo, one fine June day I went to Reagan National Airport and took delivery of one spotty dog and one Siamese cat.

Lacey talked to me, all the way home, where I installed her in my bedroom. Largely indifferent to dogs, she regarded other cats as a scourge upon the face of the earth and thus required private quarters. She might have been forgiven, after being flown across half the Pacific Ocean and an entire continent before being dropped into a house full of strangers, if she had been cranky or lapsed a little in her litter box habits. She did no such thing, instead she was never less than a lady and a queen. She was on an impressive daily regimen of pills to control Irritable Bowel Disorder, but bore the daily pilling and squirting of liquids down her throat with grace, if not graciousness. Never once did she offer to do me violence, although she was a mistress of the wounded look that makes a cat-keeper quiver with guilt and remorse.

Nevertheless, we made our way. She wanted to explore the house, but only if someone would carry her, safe above the riffraff other cats down below. Lacey was a sweet and companionable kitty, settling in to sleep at night with no drama, sitting in my lap while I read (holding my book with one hand and petting her with the other). Eventually she began to spend time with Aida, my Siamese, who would sneak into the bedroom and then sit and ignore Lacey while Lacey sat and ignored her. They would sit and ignore each other for five or ten minutes, then Aida would leave. Lacey occasionally played with the knotted-up shoestring R had sent with her, but most of all next to being worshiped she loved to sit in the sunbeam that falls on the cat perch in my bedroom. Catnip made her even more talkative and goofy:


Transcript:
A blue-point Siamese crouches on a tan blanket which is covering a windowsill seat for cats. Sprinkled in front of her is a little dried catnip.
Lacey: Your offering pleases me, minion, but not a whole lot.
Me: Am I trying to get you stoned?
Lacey (Sniffing catnip): Yes. But it’s not working.
Me: Oh no!
Lacey (sniffing catnip some more): We grow way better catnip than this in Hawaii.
Me: Oh no!
Lacey (attempting to bury catnip): Really, this is terrible. The catnip in Hawaii is much better than this. I don’t know why you’re offering me substandard catnip.
Me: You get that catnip.
Lacey (still trying to bury it, then turning to jump on the bed): I do not want to get the catnip. In fact, I am going to flee this terrible catnip.
Me: What’s going on?
Lacey: I’m moving to the bed to get away from the terrible catnip!
Me: Boing!
Lacey: You make it really difficult to have an intelligent conversation, you know.
Me: Is there anything else you want to tell Roz?
Lacey: Yes. Next time, she should send me to someone who can hold a decent conversation.
Me: Is there any–
Lacey: I do like you though. Because you pet me.
Me: Hi, I love you too.
Lacey: I like you so much, I will let you smell my butt.
Me: Cat butt!
Lacey: Well it’s not like it would be *dog* butt, really.
Me: What else would you like to say to Roz?
Lacey: This house has too many cats in it. Tell her I said not to make me stay with a bunch of cats next time. Also, I love you, minion.
Me: Well, I’ll-ok. Hi!
Lacey (purring): You are sort of fun. And also I am hungry.
Me: How bout I go get dinner? Would that be good?
Lacey: The thought of dinner pleases me, minion.

Roz and her husband eventually found housing that accepted pets, and came and collected their fuzzy crew. Lacey and Dex both were delighted to see them. The Manor house felt a little emptier for weeks afterward, but I kept telling myself I would find the time to go out and visit.

Lacey passed on yesterday, loved and adored til the last. Godspeed, sweet girl, I know you have gone to wherever it is that good cats go when they leave us. I know that there are sunbeams, and no other cats, and that finally you are no longer ill. Your friends here at the Manor still miss you.

Early morning miracles

I know, I said I wouldn’t be around much. And in fact I am really tired, because once again Zillekins decided to have a barkfest around 0330. Except this morning instead of believing her insistence that she needed OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW, I got up and shut the bedroom door and went back to bed. As it turns out, she was lying to me, or at least there was no emergency so severe that it couldn’t wait for me to get up at 0430. My alarm was set for 0515, but unfortunately I had cats in the bedroom with me. Why didn’t I shut the cats out, you ask? To which I reply: HAHAHAHA you have never had cats, have you. At the first sign that I may be about to banish cats from the bedroom, one or more of them hide under the bed, just to make sure I can’t kick them out without going to more trouble than it’s worth. So at 0430 Roo started tapdancing on my head and screaming, and then lo and behold Aida joined in with her creepy Siamese Wail of Death, and I knew there was no way the little buggers would peacefully leave the room and let me sleep, so I got up and let the dogs out.

But that’s not what I came to tell you about today.

No, I came to tell you that at 0539 I stuck some oatmeal in the microwave for myself and then checked the front porch to see if Noodlehead and Emmaline were out there, and they were, so I grabbed a couple cans of food and some plates and went out to feed them. As usually Zille stuck her head out the door to have a sniff at these fascinating stranger catbeasts she has never met, which is a risky business when Noodlehead is around as Noodlehead has offered to kick her ass six ways from Sunday just for being large, hairy, and a dog, and also standing between Noodlehead and her desire to explore the inside of the house on her own terms.

But Zille stuck her head out regardless of terrorist threats from Noodlehead, and Emmaline was closer to the door anyway, and y’all should have seen it because Emmaline is about the size of Zille’s head, a really tiny kitty, and she stepped forward toward this big ol’ dog head and touched noses with Zille. There was caution but no fear, Emmaline trust me not to let the dogbeast get her, and apparently feels no need to kick anyone’s ass. It was the cutest thing I have seen in a long, long time.

9 June, 2010

What a way to make a living…

So normally, my schedule goes something like this:
0415 Alarm goes off. So does Roo. Get up, turn alarm off. Look in vain for button to mute Roo.
0500 Roo still whining for breakfast. Get tired of it, stop catching up on the internet and feed people.
0510 Shower, get dressed, get ready for work.
0540 Try to leave for work, discover Emmaline and Noodlehead would like breakfast.
0545 Actually leave for work.
0640 Stop at McDonald’s for oatmeal
0645 Arrive at work.
[Insert Work Here]
1500ish Depart work
1600ish Arrive at home, Roo begins whining for dinner.
1700 Tire of listening to Roo whine, feed people. Check porch for outdoor cats wanting dinner.
1715 Dogs announce loudly that outdoor cats are on porch. Interrupt evening activity to feed them.
2000 Go to bed

Except today and tomorrow, I have meetings 0900 to 1700. Ouch. I can’t expect to be home til 1800, which means not feeding people until 0600. I tried setting my alarm for 0515, thinking I could get extra sleep but…not so much. Zille went off at 0330, Roo went off at 0415 as usual, I gave up and got out of bed and got to listen to nearly TWO HOURS of Roo whining for his breakfast because I didn’t want them going more than 12 hours without food (I fed them dinner late last night).

So if I drop off the internet for the next couple of days, well, it’s because work has no problem resetting my schedule, but as far as I can tell no one has invented a reset button for Roo. I don’t know what was up with Zillekins, she swore there was a horrible monster in the back yard that needed barking at, and I can’t sleep through barking so I let them out to go run whatever it was off. I’ve seen a fox (or maybe a coyote) checking out the back of the fence line previously, but knowing dogs it may have been an early-rising butterfly. Needless to say, I am not going to be at my best and brightest today at the office.

7 June, 2010

Quick update

The Best Mom Ever is still here, so I’ll be quick. We think Noodlehead had another kitten after the first stillborn one, but it probably did not survive given that she’s been hanging out on my front porch pretty constantly since then. I also think Emmaline’s milk is drying up, as soon as she feels totally empty I will try bringing her in even if she hasn’t brought me kittens. We’ll see how it goes, cross your fingers for us. I hate to separate Noodlehead and Emmaline, but Noodlehead won’t come in as she proved with her destructive panicking last time I tried.

6 June, 2010

Nature, red in tooth and claw.

One last post and then I swear I’ll stop the hourly posting deal for a while.

Noodlehead was indeed in labor last night, and at some point after the Best Mom Ever and I went to bed, gave birth to one solid grey tabby kitten in the little shelter in my woods. The kitten was either stillborn, or died shortly after birth.

Noodlehead herself is fine, camped out on my front porch digesting her breakfast.

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